I’m glad I get my oil changed every 5,000 miles instead of 3,000 miles; that’s a few extra months to save up the $1,000 to pay for it.

In theory, an oil change costs anywhere from $40 to $60. That’s before the mechanic finds things. They always find expensive things, too. It’s never, “we found a screw missing from the engine and can replace it for $5.” Like, even though there’s no way a screw should cost $5, I don’t mind paying it because it’s only $5 (it’s probably the cost of labor, anyway). But that’s never what happens.

Ford Guy: We finished your oil change, but our technician noticed your diffusion filter hose that connects to the exterior motor flux gear is leaking.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Ford Guy: Well, your car won’t break down in the middle of nowhere yet, but at some point you’ll have to get that hose fixed or else people miles away from you will see a fiery mushroom cloud billowing from where your car was.

Me: How much is it going to cost?

Ford Guy: Well, there are two hoses, and one’s leaking, so you should probably get both fixed.

Me: How much?

Ford Guy: Well, $1,300. But we can knock 50 cents off.

We’ve all gotten to this place if you’ve ever owned a car. When your oil changes routinely begin costing $1,000 or more, it’s time to explore buying a new/used vehicle. And then you’ll have to get its oil changed …