DOHA, Qatar – Conservative raconteur Tucker Carlson declared a fatwa on the nearly 1 million Iranian dissidents protesting the benevolent Islamic theocracy that prioritizes the health and safety of its people.

“Israel and the United States infidels have ginned up malevolence among childlike Iranian protestors who now must be put in their place,” Carlson said from the balcony of his sprawling compound on the outskirts of Doha while waving to a throng of shrieking Islamic supporters and groypers. “To answer the question, ‘what should not be done to rioters?’ The scholars, myself included, decree execution of those who oppose oppression and rigid religious orthodoxy.”

Thousands of unarmed Iranian citizens clogged streets in cities throughout the Islamic Republic that has fostered peace and prosperity since 1979. Carlson said his decision to speak publicly came on the heels of the Iranian mullahs streaming clips of Carlson praising the regime in Persian on the mostly blacked-out internet.

“A bombing campaign against Iran will set off a war, and it will be America’s war,” Carlson said. “Don’t let the propagandists lie to you.”

Carlson then pleaded with the protestors to avoid destroying the three-story black-and-white palatial estate in Tehran’s vibrant Vanak neighborhood.

“I purchased that property last month and plan on hosting the mullahs and my brother, Buckley Carlson, so we can denounce the United States as no better than North Korea,” Carlson said. “Please don’t throw rocks through the window or burn it to the ground. Failure to comply will result in immediate execution.”

Carlson then spent the next five minutes hysterically cackling like a little girl.