I have no idea if this is true, but it’s so ridiculous, I can believe our government spent $8 million to see whether Japanese quail are more sexually promiscuous while high on cocaine.

First, this is cruelty to animals. It’s one thing to test makeup products on unsuspecting animals, but to force innocent birds to snort cocaine? Or were the quails freebasing?

And last I checked, cocaine is illegal to buy, meaning you shouldn’t have it, or else it’s a crime. Unless you’re some twisted government scientist who wants to sexualize birds by pumping them full of coke.

And why Japanese quail? I didn’t even know such birds existed until now. Why not hummingbirds? Their heart rates already mimic jackhammers. I think giving them cocaine would literally cause them to explode mid-air. Why not the ostrich? If for no other reason than to see them running around while coked out of their minds?

What would the purpose of such research be? All research is typically done to benefit humankind, meaning, in this case, the scientists probably want to know whether giving humans cocaine makes them sexually promiscuous. Just give it to humans and lay out a mattress somewhere to see what happens!

What a waste of birds. But this is our government at work. No wonder we’re almost $40 trillion in debt.