Like you, and like a vast majority of decent people, I am not listed in the Epstein files. At least nobody’s made me aware of my presence in them. I’m pretty sure I’ve never met the guy, and I know for a fact I was never on some creepy island with him.

The same cannot be said of a surprising number of people who are mentioned in the files. At least two current and former presidents (Trump and Clinton), a former treasury secretary (Lawrence Summers), and a bunch of others, like Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and a bunch of other billionaires. Here’s a photo released by the Justice Department that depicts what I can only describe as a slew of Bond villains huddled around a table, planning world domination.

Here’s what I’d like to know: How many Epstein files are there? There must be a solid number; otherwise, we’d have infinite reams of paper that would tilt the planet off course into the sun. I woke up the other day to the news that 3 million more Epstein files were released. Look, the Justice Department has a library dedicated to him! And not the kind with two stone lions flanking the entrance.

Here’s a thought exercise: How many files are related to you? Like, if someone released the Manochio files, I’m certain they could fit in one manila folder. Nobody would have to pass legislation requiring someone to build an online database to hold them.

I suppose this is what’s known as “rich people problems.” Meaning, if you’re rich, you might somehow cross paths with a millionaire child predator and wind up in some devious archive.

Whatever the case may be, nobody will be satisfied. Even if Jesus Christ showed up and said, “There are no more Epstein files. They have all been released,” a cadre of people would still believe there are more out there, and they’re really awful, trust us.

No, thank you.